Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Open Letter to Soccer Douchebags - Guest Post by Man of Mystery

When I am standing on a soccer field watching my children play, the last thing I ever want to hear is your grating voice.

I understand that you taught Pele and you were Ronaldinho’s personal mentor. I comprehend that your skills were at some point in time, “phenomenal” (and without a doubt still are), without you having to explain it to anyone and everyone within earshot. I do not doubt that your 5 foot 5 stature weighing in at 300lbs does indeed do little to mask the professional soccer prowess that is but barely contained within your 6-twinkie-at-a-time eating frame.

What I would like you to understand with all due respect and politeness is that I don’t give a crap. I am only there because my children are there. I’m not standing there because I like to stand in open fields during a downpour of rain. I’m not standing there because I like to suffer heatstroke and sunburn in bright sunshine all day long. And the last time I checked, I’m not there to be regaled ad nauseum by tales of your derring-do on the soccer field both real or imagined, past, present or future.

I am there because it is my duty as a father to be there for my children and take part in their activities. As well I take joy in their accomplishments and their joy makes me that much more joyous. Alas not everything on the field can be joyous all the time and again that’s where I come in to commiserate with their pitfalls and sorrows. You see this is something that I both HAVE to and WANT to do. Interacting with you on the other hand, there, Al Bundy… not so much.

I would take it as a personal favor to me and mine if you would stop your retarded comments about the skills or lack thereof, of any and all 8 year old players on the field, whether they be on your own child’s team or the opposing team.

It’s a game, they’re children, they’re here to learn and they’re here to play. It’s hard to do that with you screaming from the sidelines with your armchair coaching. If you would but stop and take a quick look around you’d probably recognize two people, one on either side- they’d be the respective team’s coaches. It’s not the World Cup. Do you see grown men running around faking injuries and dropping from imaginary invisible pianos falling on their heads? Relax yourself already. When it comes to children playing organized sports, really, if you’re THAT keen on winning, you should just go and buy a penis enlargement pump, then seek more private climes. Whatever it is, DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN MAKE ME HEAR YOUR VOICE INCESSANT OR SO HELP ME AT SOME POINT I’LL CHOKE YOU OUT WITH ONE OF YOUR OWN…I mean.. think of the children, yeah.


  1. Cathy it's way too obvious that the Man of Mystery is you. The mention of "derring-do" gives you away. Also, as I am sure you will appreciate, enticing potential readers by saying "Enjoy" is way too reminiscent of the distracted waitresses at John's Place.

    I am going into my 6th (!) year of coaching soccer, and my focus is always on fun. If the kids re-register for next year, I consider my coaching successful! God knows I am barely capable of instilling skills in these kids.

  2. patefacio tabellae ut soccer douchebags

    Great story, keep 'em coming.

    If you require any coaching assistance, I am now available.

    D. Maradrona

  3. Ha! Jim - I am not the man of mystery. He himself came up with the word 'derring-do', although I did have to fix his spelling of it. As I posted on facebook, I'm a lazy, lazy person, and when I do something I take credit for it - and this one wasn't me.

    Also - I am probably the douchebag he writes about, since I am very vocal on the sidelines, but I am also the coach.

    Lastly, I apologize to you personally for the use of the word 'enjoy' as an enticement. It was either that or warn you that the plates were very hot, and 'enjoy' seemed more appropriate in this case. ;-)

  4. Man of Mystery, pretending to be someone else commenting on his own blog entry:

    if you are going to adopt the famous personality of Diego Maradona, at least leave out the extra 'r' and spell your own name correctly.

    Also - do you realize this is the first time you have actually said something nice about my blog? And it was your own entry you complimented? For shame....

  5. *ahem* you have unjustly besmirched me most foul madame.

    Twas not I that posted as D. Maradrona. For proof ye have but to check the IP addresses associated with posts on this blog.

    I bid you good day madame!

    - Man of way too much integrity to sink to such base lows and mightily, mightily I say, offended.

    ps. this ip will not reflect my usual IP addreses for I am away on business for her majesty the Queen in the quaint provincial town of Kelowna, or better known as "land of Girls in bikinis"

  6. Oops. Didn't mean to be, uh, smirch you. I be sorry.

    But seriously, IP addresses?! I don't know how to look that up. You know me. It's all I can do to scratch out a blog with a stick in the sand and somehow the magic blogspot website helps me to post it.

  7. And how cool is it, btw, that there are now TWO men of mystery?

    (Although I'm pretty sure the 2nd one is Mitch.)

  8. Your apology (and a small harem of maiden girls) will suffice for the nonce in assuaging my honour

    - Man of compassion and forgiveness

  9. What’s up every one, here every one is sharing these experience, thus it’s nice to read this