#@$%^ Kristine Lilly

I read on twitter yesterday that a 39 year old woman named Kristine Lilly was retiring from professional soccer in the U.S. What?! 39?! Turns out she played on the U.S. National Team for 24 years, and since she has played for them since she was 16, she is both the youngest and the oldest player to ever score for them. Dang. Even though I don’t know who she is, I dislike her already.

Before I delved into the wealth of information on Ms. Lilly, the envious, competitive part of me was already consoled by the idea that since she was so busy playing all that soccer, she has probably missed out on a lot of real life stuff that I have done—you know, education, marriage, kids—all that rewarding kind of crap. I figured she probably had a thick, crop-duster moustache, and no boobs. I figured she wasn’t retiring so much as quitting and that she probably had to now get a regular job, probably at Home Depot. Perhaps cleaning the bathrooms.

Wrong.

Kristine Lilly has a bachelors degree in communications, is married to a cute fireman in Boston, and has a lovely two year old daughter. She is a pretty, petite, five foot four blonde with no moustache in sight. She has done commercials for Gatorade and works with a number of charitable organizations and has a soccer camp for young girls in her hometown every summer. When she retires she plans to do more writing. And most importantly she has never had any significant injuries of any kind in her long, illustrious career. (Even the New York Times seemed startled that she has never had ACL injuries, which are practically an epidemic amongst female soccer players.) Grrrr.

It was at this point, when I was trolling her website and silently scowling at photos of her amazing playing that Steve came in and asked what was wrong. I explained all about Kristine Lilly. “Look. She even knows how to French-braid hair.” I complained. “I never learned how to do that.”

“Yes, but does she know how to french kiss?” Steve teased, after seeing her picture.

I glared at him. “Obviously." I retorted. "She has a kid.”

Steve paused for a second and then said “Is that how you get kids?”