Monday, June 14, 2010

The Knee Interview

So, I got hurt. I’ve been on crutches most of the week. Because this is far too depressing to even think about directly in terms of playing soccer and blogging about it, I have decided to accept a fictional interview request from Christiano Ronaldo to explain my injury. Here he is:

Ronaldo: So here I am. Can we make it quick? I have a game tomorrow.

Me: Oh sure, try to shirk your journalistic responsibilities with some game....

Ronaldo: It’s the World Cup? The Biggest sporting event in the world? Against Ivory Coast? Drogba’s team?

Me: Oh, right. I’ve PVR’d it. Okay. I’ll be brief.

Ronaldo: Thanks. So, you hurt your leg or something?

Me: Yes, my knee.

Ronaldo: What happened?

Me: Well I was playing a soccer game for this women’s team I just joined and I sort of twisted and collapsed and it really hurts.

Ronaldo: Was it a real injury, or fake?

Me: Uh,real. We don’t do fake injuries.

Ronaldo: Why not? You can get free kicks out of them.

Me: Yes, well, but everyone can see they’re fake, right? It’s one of the worst things about watching you guys.

Ronaldo just glares.

Me again: But, uh, anyway, our refs probably wouldn’t even notice if we faked injuries anyway. They don’t run much. They just stand in the centre circle and try to see everything from there.

Ronaldo: What?!

Me: I know.

We have a shared, bonding moment of hatred for lazy, stupid refs. Look how similar we are to each other!

Ronaldo: So why is this knee thing such a big deal?

Me: Well, it’s just that this time it was my good knee.

Ronaldo: What do you mean, your good knee?

Me: Well I have had two ACL surgeries on my other knee, many years ago, so I think of that as my bad knee. Now I will have two bad knees. Even though this is hopefully less serious. Perhaps only a torn meniscus.

Ronaldo: I’ve had trouble with one ankle, but they just fixed it and it’s fine. I don’t understand the concept of part of a body being bad. My body is perfect.

Me, quietly: I know. Sigh.

Ronaldo: Pardon?

Me: Nothing.

Ronaldo: So, if it is just going to get better, what’s the big deal?

Me: Well, it is at least 6 or 7 weeks of no soccer while I do physio. So depressing.

Ronaldo: Oh, that is depressing. You know, when I get depressed, like when I crash a Ferrari, I just buy another Ferrari.

Me: How nice for you. For me, that’s not really an option. I’m thinking about making the kids get a paper route so they can earn enough money to pay for my MRI.

Ronaldo: What’s a paper route?

Me: Never mind.

Ronaldo: So you said you had the other injuries a long time ago. You’ve been playing soccer a long time?

Me: Yes. ahem. More years than you’ve been alive.

Ronaldo: With who?

Me: Well, I used to play for UVIC, but now, mostly just drop-in.

Ronaldo: What’s UVIC?

Me: Oh, it’s roughly the female equivalent of playing for Manchester United or Real Madrid.

Ronado: Oh, so you’re good.

Me: Uh, I used to be okayish.

Ronaldo: You’re a famous female soccer player, then? That's why I'm here?

Me: No, you’re here as a fictional construct that allows me to explain my effing injury without sounding too sorry for myself.

Ronaldo: Glad to be of use.

Me: If you score for Portugal tomorrow, will you dedicate it to me?

Ronaldo: No.


  1. I totally thought this "interview" was going to start all..

    "he slowly unbuttoned his shirt to expose his glistening soccer chest when Cathy whispered..."

    - man of mystery expected harlequin romance avec futbol

  2. Frank! Ha! That's what you were hoping for!...which is actually a little disturbing....;-)

  3. Cath - check this out for your first post injury warmup